I want to pick up the phone and talk to my mother. I have so many questions, now that I'm at an age I can look back and see myself as a young mother and she the loving grandmother who eagerly awaited our visits. Not that I ever didn't love my mother, but yes there were times I was annoyed by her and even rolled my eyes behind her back. I said things that I know must have hurt her at the time, but her love was unconditional and she forgave me. I hate that I ever treated her that way. I hope she understood. I'm thankful I grew up enough that I loved being with her as often as I could be and when I was laying next to her those last few days of her life, she knew how very much I loved her. I'm lucky I had those days. Still, I wish I could say "remember that time .. I'm so sorry". Knowing my mother, she would say: "I don't remember that at all, you must have dreamed it."
I wish I could ask her if she still felt like she was 23 when she was actually 54, if she ever really felt like an adult and what about that time ... things only she could answer, things my Dad doesn't even know. And oh yes, what ever happened to that weird little bear that made the fart noise that I loved so much. Or how old was I when .. and who was that old lady .. and did that really happen or did I imagine it?
Now here I am, my children are all married and 2 of them "with children" Three entirely different people who need me in different ways. They have spouses who are their best friends, and children they shower their love on, but every now and then, they still need me, their Mom. I need to remember that, and just be here when they do, like my Mom did for me.
